How Jesus saved america from communism: a lesson about quantum physics and interdimensional transit through the eyes of a reptile. Part I: Jesus Jesus Christ was born on July 29th, 3065 AD. He was an interdimensional traveler and future science guy, ex hippy, Jewish Rabbi, secret space alien in disguise and lead singer of the band Resurrection (who would later record their sexy hit single, "Crucify Me!"). One day, he traveled to a parallel universe in which he was born not in the future, but in the past. (0 BC to be specific). He decided he could start a religion in this timeline because why the hell not, so he started Christianity. His ultimate endgame was to create the religion so it could eventually lead humanity into a nuclear war. Then he would be able to act out his favorite movie, Mad Max! (as it later turned out, Mel Gibson was his evil clone). But one day, he would meet his greatest foe: the Easter bunny. (who was actually an employee of his real arch nemesis, Satan). Jesus's species, the Christaloids were arch nemesis with the evil Space Bunnys. One such space bunny had followed Jesus to earth. The Easter Bunny secretly planned to create candy so the Earth's population could get really fat off it, thus making them unfit to fight off their incoming invasion. The Bunny had also augmented himself with cyborg parts, thus becoming The Super Cyborg Easter Bunny! He could now shoot lasers out of his eyes, mounted ICBM nukes out of his shoulders, and a gatling gun out of his stomach. He could also shoot highly volatile eggs which would create sugary explosions that would give his victims a chocolate flavored death. He had decided to form an alliance with the Roman empire. When special agent spy Judas gave the Roman empire a report on Jesus' location, the Romans stormed his Passover Sedar and mounted a massive Trojan attack. Jesus pulled out a machine gun and decided to be a badass, as he shot down an entire army of Romans, screaming "Crucify this!" But then out walked the Easter Bunny. As his evil aura of evil filled the air, the Easter Bunny's eyes glowed bright red as he laughed a deep and evil laugh. The entire Roman army began to rise from the dead. The Easter Bunny's ultimate power was to raise dead beings from the afterlife back into the real world. Jesus tried to fight the zombie Trojans, but they proved overwhelming. He fought on and he fought hard as he filled the zombie army with lead...but the undead hordes of Romans proved to be to much. As the Super Cyborg Easter Bunny sat there, shooting lightning out of his hands and commanding the undead satanic legion of zombies, Jesus continued to fire. But nothing worked. No matter how many bullets the Roman Zombies took, they would keep going. The only way to kill a zombie is to shoot it in the head...and unfortunately Jesus didn't know that. So he was eventually overpowered and crucified at the cross. And as he sat there getting nailed into the wooden cross of doom, he summoned all of his psychic energy from his dad (who lived in a cloud and had a long flowing beard and was also the manager of every Jewish Deli in New York). With that, he was able to take the power of resurrection away from the Easter Bunny. He used it to rise from the dead as a zombie. Then he turned on his interdimensional time machine to go to the future. Zombie Jesus ended up in the year 1968. When he started inexplicably biting people, this caused them to rise from the dead, which would later become the source of George Romero's classic documentary, Night of The Living Dead. George later removed his zombie curse and Jesus was now back and better then ever. So he decided to time travel back to 1963. John F. Kennedy, a secret communist spy and pawn of satan, was currently president. He had created the cuban missile crisis as a hoax so nobody would know he was working with Fidel Castro all along. The ultimate plan was that he could later take over America and turn it into a communist dicktatorship in which he was in command. But Jesus wouldn't let that happen. So he assassinated Kennedy, thus saving America from Communism. His clone, Mel Gibson was later possessed by Satan, at which point Jesus went to Satan and gave him the middle finger. Disgusted by this rude gesture, Satan died and turned into a bat. He had reincarnated into Dracula. After giving him a wooden stake, Jesus kept on going. He had a mission: to save the world from all evil and run a religion. And so he did. The End.
Submitted August 30, 2014 at 01:57AM by SirStarBeast http://ift.tt/1tWpIne
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